To Ella on her 11th birthday

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Ella Boo,

I remember the day I finally was able to call and make my first appointment with the infertility clinic. I was so excited. I had known from the beginning that having kids was going to be some work and I had been waiting for what seemed like forever to make that call. Many, many months later your daddy was laid up sick on the couch when I was on the other end of the house taking the test that would change our lives. When that second line finally came up, after seeing only one for SO LONG, I screamed my face off and went running into the other room to show him. Within about five minutes everyone I could possibly call knew I was finally pregnant and you were on your way.

Being pregnant with you was amazing and hard. I was grumpy and hot all the time. I passed a ton of kidney stones and developed gallstones. But every kick and nudge made it worth every bit of it. I would lay down and just marvel that there was another human in my belly, punching my bladder and playing kickball with my kidneys. You had long legs even then and you would push and stretch those legs as often as you could. I remember one of the ultrasounds we had, we all laughed because you were all legs….just like your daddy.

The day you were born was the best day of my life. I had imagined and daydreamed for months about what you would look like. I had a c-section and wasn’t able to get a good look at you for hours later. Everyone came to the hospital to be there for your birth. You were so loved, even before you took your first breath. All your people were there to welcome you Earth side. When they placed you in my arms everything in the world was right and I thought my heart couldn’t take how much I loved you. You looked just like your daddy. You still do and I love it. You had a head full of blonde hair that stuck out all over like a baby duck. You were the sweetest, most laid back baby. And I thought I loved your daddy as much as I could, but when I saw him hold you and love on you for the first time I thought my heart would burst.

Watching you grow up is the greatest joy of my life. Being the one to teach you is such a blessing that I will never take for granted. You were so wanted. You were longed and prayed for before I even knew you existed. I know how fortunate I am to be able to stay home with you and see all your successes and be here to comfort you when things are hard. I am so lucky.

Sweet girl, you are more than I could have ever thought to pray for. You are smart. You are immeasurably kind and tenderhearted. You love people with your whole heart. You don’t know any other way. You are goofy in the most amazing way and one of my most favorite things about you is your ability to laugh at yourself. You never take yourself too seriously and that will be such a gift to you as you grow up. You have empathy for hurting people that belies your years. You are such a good friend and you will fight for the people you love.

It’s hard to believe that you are eleven. My sweet little squishy, long legged baby has grown into a beautiful, sweet, long legged preteen. And it has gone by in the blink of an eye.

My prayer for you, my love, is that you will remain tenderhearted. That all the yucky stuff going on in the world will not harden that precious heart you have. That you will continue to be a fierce friend and someone who people can count on. Success in this world is measured by so many things that, in the end, don’t mean very much. But if I can teach you one thing in these years that I have you home with me, I hope I can teach you to love well. To serve others. To always look for the best in people, even when it can be hard to find. To know how much you are worth and that your worth is not measured by the standards that the world will set before you. And that to love
others well, we must sometimes sacrifice what we want to give others what they need. That love is patient and kind. And that it NEVER fails.

I love you more than you could ever know. You were worth every tear shed, hormone injection, medical procedure, check written. You were worth all of that and more. I would do it over and over and over again to have you. I am far from a perfect mom. I yell too much, play too little, and my patience runs out more than it should. And for that I’m sorry. But I want you to know that my love for you is unconditional. You don’t have to worry about messing up and me not being there. There is nothing you could ever do that will take one ounce of that love away. I will be here when things are hard and scary. I will fuss at you when you act a fool. I will celebrate every victory and I will be your soft place to fall when things don’t go your way.

I hope eleven is your best year yet.

Love you the most,
Mama

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