I remember the first time I saw this quote. It was years before the split between my mother and I. “The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”Yall, it broke me. I recalled hearing myself be critical of one of kids FOR NO REASON on a video and being devastated I was doing what had been done to me.
Don’t misunderstand my timeline here. My relationship with my mother ended five years ago but since I was 7 I knew she didn’t love me. Since I was 11 I knew she wanted to control me. Since I was 15 I knew she and I would never be like my friends with their moms. It’s not like I woke up one day and was like oh this sucks and I’mma call it Emotional abuse and make a big fuss. If you knew me as a young person you would have heard it said that we had a “difficult relationship”…by teachers, family members, even peers. Of course since not every one had this same dynamic in our house, it was heavily insinuated (and sometimes flat out stated) that this was BECAUSE OF ME. I wasn’t smart. I was hard to love. I was too emotional. I was dramatic. I was selfish. I knew for years and years and years my inner voice was loud and mean and didn’t like me very much.
And I wanted most of all to not repeat that voice in the minds of my kids. Even as they were newborn babies I would cry in fear that they would believe her version of me instead of who I really am. That they would be triangulated and lied to and controlled and emotionally punished.
And this is why for us no contact is all we can do. Boundaries didn’t work. Speaking against the cruelty didn’t work. Trying to change the voice myself didn’t work. I could not be my best self while being who my mother says I am. And my kids deserve so much more. They deserve to be heard, to be guided as they grow, to be treated as individuals with special personalities and struggles and strengths. They deserve real love that says “you are loved by me” and sacrifices made for their betterment, not for a scorecard or status. They deserve my attention and my best thoughts and words. They deserve healthy parents who seek growth and God and good things. They deserve to be told truths and kept from lies and negativity about people they love. They should be able to be safe emotionally with anyone we allow to influence them. This is my purpose and my intention in life. Some days I wish I could go back and have a different growing up experience. Most days I’m just glad to be free.
Every early into my recovery, I adopted this one: be the mom you want them to remember. And that remains one of my top priorities every day. BE THE MOM YOU WANT THEM TO REMEMBER!
We don’t get to act however we want and expect people to only remember our glittered up version of it.
Who we are to our kids is WHO WE REALLY ARE.
As I leave you with those thoughts, I’m also going to leave you with a book list.
1. Boundaries- Henry Cloud
2. Safe People
3. Children of the Self Absorbed
4. Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists-Eleanor Payson
5. Will I Ever Be Good Enough
6. Mean Mothers- Peg Streep
7. Daughter Detox- Peg Streep
8. The Mom Factor- Henry Cloud
There are certainly more and this is not an exhaustive list. Some of these folks also have blogs or websites with further information. Pinterest also has quite a few links to pertinent information. Good luck learning and growing on your journey! 💜